good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
