I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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