bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
