I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
