I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
this beer tastes like vomit already
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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