I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
