He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
