Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
