After last night, I could never be a politician.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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