Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize