That's when you crack a 10am beer
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
