Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize