my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I'm always down for nudity.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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