If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
