i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
