Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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