if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
