they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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