He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize