i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
