don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
