Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
