you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
