He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
