splinters make it hard to masturbate
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize