just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
