I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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