think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
