im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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