so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize