If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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