oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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