he thought i was a dude.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
