I faked an abortion last night.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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