You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
What changed your mind?
Being sober
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
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