im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i think my mom watched the whole time
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
