If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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