chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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