my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just googled if crying burns calories
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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