I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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