My sheets look like a crime scene.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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