How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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