I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
