Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
