In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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