Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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