you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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