i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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