It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
