I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
