Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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