you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
