there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Less talking, more tequila
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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