drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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