Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
