its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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