im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
